As 2018 began, I entered into a season full of new beginnings- a fitting start to a new year.
As I've shared, in mid December I started at a new salon - The Circle Salon. It was completely clear to me that God was clearing a path and leading me straight to this new space. It happened at the end of a year full of a lot of questions, and a lot of prayers led by frustration and confusion, with a whole lot of "I know you've got this Lord."
But let's be real. Any change is hard, even if you jump headfirst and embrace every bit of it. With a salon change, you inevitably lose clients. I'm amidst a season of guessing what my schedule will look like during my days at the salon. And boy has God been faithful, it's been a daily entering into placing my trust that He will provide. I've gained clients, learned so much about the reason behind the systems at place in a salon, explored a new color line and product line - it's truly been amazing how much can happen in a couple of months.
But amongst all of this, there is still the reality of me needing to dedicate quite a bit of time outside of the salon to some side jobs (that were honestly placed right in my lap as I needed them.) The other day, I was talking to a friend about my weekly schedule, and she told me she had no idea I was working as much as I was, and this wasn't the first time someone had pointed out to me that they were under the impression that not much had changed with my work schedule. I've realized, that I've said a whole lot of "I'm busy" followed with a whole lot of "I'm fine", with an underlying frustration that I don't feel understood because of how often people assume that everything great because I'm at my new dream salon. So I haven't given many people a chance to walk alongside me, in a season where I'm consuming more coffee than is healthy. So right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop by myself, for the first time in a while, writing out some truth about where I'm at. Because I'm really good at making my life "picture perfect", showing my successes, and making the challenging parts of life "poetic" with a bow tying them up to look graceful.
The truth is, I'm fumbling through this season. But I also feel like I know myself better than I ever have. My heart constantly feels full, and my eyes constantly feel tired. I miss working four days a week, forty hours, with people who felt like family. I miss the availability I had to have coffee with multiple people every week. But I don't miss the stomach dropping feeling I had about walking into the space I was working every day. And I don't miss holding myself to standards I can't reach. I don't miss obsessing over the amount of food I was consuming and if it was "just right" for training. I don't miss constantly feeling disappointed in the pace I was running, the weight I was lifting, or the amount of times I pressed snooze.
So right now, I'm working at the Circle Salon, doing a mentorship at my dear friends new salon space, I'm coordinating both salons social media, and I'm babysitting regularly for a multiple families. Some weeks I'm working 60 hours a week, which I realize many people do, but I also realize I was not made for. I moved to Wicker Park, and suddenly am living in constant social stimulation - which is a gift I didn't realize I needed or wanted, but also is resulting in me needing learn how to intentionally schedule in time to sit in my room and journal or read. I've only ran three times in 2018, which is less than I use to run in one week. And I've done yoga nearly every day in some capacity, which is more than I've ever done. I've learned I'm sensitive to dairy, legumes, and that sugar is probably the most addictive thing I eat (besides coffee HA!) I've learned there are foods that my body actually likes, and I'm intentionally feeding it that, instead of things it doesn't love. With that change has come a slow roll mindset change on food "restriction", learning that I don't need to beat up myself for indulging from time to time, learning that there can be freedom in food. I'm saying "no" a whole lot more, and it's revealing who and what is truly important in my life - and I'm far from accepting my inability to please everyone, but I'm working on it. And most importantly, I'm finally learning what it looks like to love myself - and I do it well probably 3 of the 24 hours in the day, but it's on my mind a whole lot more than it use to be.
Guys. A year ago, in my heart I knew I wanted to more than just hair. God knew it too. And I feel deeply that this season is leading me right into that. It may be jam packed, I may have tired eyes, and I may feel like I'm fumbling daily - but it won't always look like this.
* I'd like to make note that I read back through this and it's the most stream of conscience, babble filled post I've ever written. Which made me want to ignore it and not post it, but it's real and I've gotta be real.